i learned—about how a person can be very caring without them being overwhelmingly annoying—from you.

i learned that you have little quirks that's mesmerizing to watch—some things that i won't list here as i'd like to keep 'em only for myself.

i learned how that laugh of yours could instantly boost up my messy ass mood, because it's so adorable.


now i don't know what is this, but feelings are feelings; it has to be expressed, and mine is—although i adore you sooo much—not quite there where you at, at least that's what i think. i don't know if it's going to expand, or it's going to stay like this for a while, but i know for a fact that it won't get lessened. and this relationship scaredy cat will always be happy to be your go-to place if you need someone to hear you out.

ketika gue sudah mencoba untuk mengurangi suudzon gue kepada orang dan berusaha untuk percaya lagi, dengan mudahnya... rusak. apakah emang guenya yang salah milih orang terus? ntah. yang pasti, i'm back to square one dan kapok kembali untuk memberi kepercayaan ke orang lain. sekian, selamat malam.

*referencing to one of f.r.i.e.n.d.s' episode:

I love people too much, that sometimes i'd give anything even—if it hurts me—to them.

But nowadays i'm starting to realize that it's not worth it.

They'll never love me back as much, they'll never give up something or sacrifice themselves for me. I feel like even if i'd take a bullet to save them, they won't even reach their hands out if i'm drowning. And that's okay— they actually don't have to.

I trust people with all of my heart, but they always let me down. It's like they're here with me ONLY if they need something for me. AND THAT'S OKAY. I mean, if it doesn't give you any profit, what would you do staying beside me, right?

The problem is i also need to start thinking that way. I need to prioritize myself over anyone else.




I'm starting to have trust issues, and now i can never look at people in a positive light again, just because i've been broken too much. I mean, it's true though. Why would anyone love this piece of shit? This useless, blob of crap will never be anything except a hassle to people. So why would people want me around?

It's hard to love myself when people around me doesn't even make me feel loved.

That's it. That's my rant. Good night, people.

Selain bulan lahir gue, untuk beberapa tahun kebelakang ini, April menjadi satu bulan yang punya makna spesial.

April tahun lalu, gue ketemu orang yang, well... bisa bikin gue ketawa. It -and by it i mean us- wasn't meant to be though, and we remain good friends.

April tahun ini, strikes once again. Gue ketemu seseorang yang mampu membuat gue kagum dan sukses bikin namanya muncul beberapa kali di benak. Namun sayang, dia pun sudah punya orang lain. So no- sekali lagi, it's not meant to be. And it's okay.

Maybe next April?

Akhir-akhir ini gue kayak kehilangan kepercayaan gue terhadap adanya cinta cintaan dan semacamnya gitu kan. Ya emang heartless but after several heartbreaks i've been through isn't it fair to think so?

Terus gue selalu mikir; ah udah males mau give up aja masalah ginian, jodoh mah gampang tar minta jodohin aja ke ambu biar gampang, sayang mah gampang ntar bisa tumbuh sendiri, dan "gampang" "gampang" lainnya.

Tapi tadi petang, pas ambu lagi mijitin ama dan gue nimbrung ngobrol yang kebetulan topiknya aki gue yang nikah lagi setelah nenek gue meninggal. Nyokap gue nasehatin segala macem kalo ama ntar mau nikah lagi jangan dilarang dan blablabla. Gue manggut-manggut doang soalnya lagi main game. Gue pun iseng nanya,
"Terus ambu kalo ama meninggal duluan, mau nikah lagi gak?"
"Ya gak akan janji gak bakal nikah lagi karena takut gak bisa tepatin, tapi sebisa mungkin enggak, dan emang gak mau,"
Gue cuma berhalah-halah, lalu nanya kenapa.
"Ada hadits yang bilang kan kalo seorang istri nikah lagi pas udah meninggal nanti dipertemukannya sama suaminya yang terakhir, ambu gak mau ambu maunya kumpul sama ama sama kakak sama adek," gue respon dengan "Awwww," dan bokap gue cuma bales pake muka tengilnya yang sok malu-malu.

Jawaban nyokap gue tadi, menurut gue, adalah hal termanis yang pernah gue denger. Alay sih emang, tapi denger itu gue terharu dan sedikit berkaca-kaca mata gue.

Gue mau itu. Gue mau yang ambu dan ama punya, walaupun kadang banyak argumen yang terjadi tapi ujung-ujungnya pasti so sweet lagi. 21 tahun nikah, dan masih cheesy romantis kayak jaman pacaran. Goals.

Gue mau bucin kayak mereka. Mau ngerasain itu, dan ngeliat mereka jadi kembali percaya kalo suatu saat mungkin gue bisa kayak mereka juga. Heck, gue mau dan pasti akan menemukan orang yang bisa bantu gue wujudin itu. Gak boleh nggak.

Terima kasih ambu dan ama, sudah merestore my faith in love thingy.