future...

huh.

let's talk about that.

see; while i've always been a future-oriented person, i also really hope that i can just live in the moment yanno. i just can't shake my fears of the future, the what ifs, the pessimism, it's just kinda overwhelming at times and i sometimes think i'd be glad if i don't worry about the future. it's the uncertainty for me—i hate it when something is uncertain. i hate the fact that i unconsciously build this little hope that i'll be living happily in the future, because for some reason i know this will not be the case at all. 

i'm kinda curious to see what i'm gonna be like in a few years, who i'm gonna end up with, do i settle down early or not, and other things like that. now i'm just too curious of a person that not knowing any of those scares me alot. lmao.

while we're at it, let's talk about what i hope i can realize in the future!

i'd like to be able to fund myself as soon as possible, so i could no longer be a burden to my parents, and also pay them back little by little, bcs they've done too much for me to pay back. i want to travel, something i want to try myself because as for now i'm still a freaking wuss. when i feel like i'm ready, i want to marry someone. wow, shocker, yarra wants to fall in love!!! WKWKWK. even though i said i don't want marriage so many times, i really do want to get married. it seems so far away from now, because i feel like i haven't find "the one" as they say, i want to feel like that to the person i'm gonna marry. strangely i don't want to rush for having kids straight after the wedding; i want to enjoy each other's company first, just to be sure we're settled down well. but ofc i don't want to wait too long too, after maybe one or two years, i'm gonna try. i hope my babies will be healthy, not like their mom ;__; hehe. i want three kids max, because i feel like that's the right amount of kids to have. but if i'll get blessed with another one i'm not gonna complain, WKWK.

i will work from home if i could, because i still want to keep my eyes closely on my kids. i want to be a mother that they can talk to freely without judging or over-dictating them. i want them to think that i'm their best friend, because that's what my mom has been for me this whole time. 

i want my partner and i still look each other in our eyes and still be so deep in love and simping each other even by the time our whole head is filled with grey hair. it's going to be hard, but that's just what i wish for.

i want to leave this world knowing that i have accomplish my goals in life.

AAAAAAAAAH. i feel so nervous just by writing all that.

but one thing for sure, i'm excited. even though it scares me, i'm really, really excited.