nowadays i keep catching myself thanking God for giving me such amazing besties. i'm surrounded by so much love sometimes i wonder what did i do to deserve all of this,
but then again...
i give them all my heart too, so yeah.
i love them so much.
In
uncertainty
it's not unknown the fact that i hate it.
yet my life is now definitely it.
In
aftermath
it's been a couple of months since i last saw a certain person that somehow, has impacted my life a little more than i intended.
mixed feelings are felt, just because our last encounter was a lot to take in. tears were cried, sighs were let out.
but now everything's good, and they have came back to where they're at from the start.
..right?
i realize that i never wrote about him in any ways because we're not the cheesy, poetic, romantic type of couple and i just don't know where to start.
everyone, meet andre! (anjay berasa talk show)
our first encounter was a funny story.
i was a new kid in the class, only knowing few people there. i was trying to connect my phone to the campus' wifi but kept failing, so as i sit i scrolled the list of other available ones. i found 'wifi andre' or something like that, then i asked the person beside me a question,
"andre yang mana sih? pengen minta wifinya sebentar, deh."
"yang itu, tapi jangan yar dia pelit!" she answered as she pointed to his direction.
and there he was.
sitting glumly, staring into god knows what in front of him.
so yeah... my first impression of him was bad LMAO.
-
i won't share all the details of our history until we get here because it's veeery long and complicated and might bore you up but one thing for sure; he was, and still is, far from the first ever word described about him that i've ever heard. he is very kind, selfless, and definitely not stingy.
i'm very proud of what he accomplished so far and the person he has become. although i'm not sure i have a part in the process, but i keep him in my prayers everyday, hoping for him to get everything he deserves because he works very hard, i've never seen anyone as ambitious, smart, diligent as he is.
and on top of that, he always tries to make time for me, which i know is very hard for some people because i've experienced disappointment because of this. that's why i appreciate it a little more.
we actually bicker a lot, argue almost everyday, because in reality our personalities clashes and we actually have so many differences, but thankfully we never fight. because in the end we realize it's not a competition, it's not a you vs. me thing — it's us vs. the problem thing.
he truly has a big heart. i lack so much as a girlfriend, yet he never lose his patience and always takes care of me very well. even when i piss him off, even when i'm being unreasonable, even when i make him mad. even then, he still try to make sure i feel loved and nothing else.
i love how we share a single braincell together, we act really dumb when we're around each other and every meeting is filled with laughter and stupid inside jokes and references from shows we watch or memes we show each other.
nobody knows about the future because nothing is set; and although we might not be together someday, but as now, he is my best friend, and the best boyfriend i never thought i wanted. i'm grateful everyday that god sent him to me, and i love him.
but i'm still gonna kick his ass when i meet him soon because he annoys me to death—
In
1.50 am
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK
*teriak kecil*
In
5.20am
i remember the time i made a decision that i know would hurt several people – including myself. because i know that's what i need to do, because that is what's meant to be, because that's just how that should be. and i don't regret every single thing.
except i didn't know the hurt could last this long.
it's a couple months later, and even though i thought i've found closure and completely forgot all about it, turns out i'm just very good at forcing myself to act like i was feeling nothing.
turns out i'm still drawn to you after all.
this was so new to me as i never felt this hopeless about someone before. the fear of hurting you, the guilt of feeling that fear itself, the way i hold my smile everytime i hear the laugh of yours. i still can't look at you in your eyes, and somehow when i try we accidentally locked eyes and that 0.5s would made my day a whole lot better.
this is kinda hard for me as we were just a couple of frayed knot that was just left hanging – without anyone tying us back or separate us completely. we were just hanging side by side. and just like that, i was back on two years ago, meeting you for the first time, and thought to myself,
"wow, he's cute."
In
epilogue
april 5th
so... it has come to this.
as much as i hate to say this, but this it it.
it has been a great, if not amazing ride. i really, really enjoyed it.
but things have set into places; and there will be no special room for me in your life anymore.
you're always gonna be my rainbow in the storm for me. thank you for that.
goodbye.
