future...

huh.

let's talk about that.

see; while i've always been a future-oriented person, i also really hope that i can just live in the moment yanno. i just can't shake my fears of the future, the what ifs, the pessimism, it's just kinda overwhelming at times and i sometimes think i'd be glad if i don't worry about the future. it's the uncertainty for me—i hate it when something is uncertain. i hate the fact that i unconsciously build this little hope that i'll be living happily in the future, because for some reason i know this will not be the case at all. 

i'm kinda curious to see what i'm gonna be like in a few years, who i'm gonna end up with, do i settle down early or not, and other things like that. now i'm just too curious of a person that not knowing any of those scares me alot. lmao.

while we're at it, let's talk about what i hope i can realize in the future!

i'd like to be able to fund myself as soon as possible, so i could no longer be a burden to my parents, and also pay them back little by little, bcs they've done too much for me to pay back. i want to travel, something i want to try myself because as for now i'm still a freaking wuss. when i feel like i'm ready, i want to marry someone. wow, shocker, yarra wants to fall in love!!! WKWKWK. even though i said i don't want marriage so many times, i really do want to get married. it seems so far away from now, because i feel like i haven't find "the one" as they say, i want to feel like that to the person i'm gonna marry. strangely i don't want to rush for having kids straight after the wedding; i want to enjoy each other's company first, just to be sure we're settled down well. but ofc i don't want to wait too long too, after maybe one or two years, i'm gonna try. i hope my babies will be healthy, not like their mom ;__; hehe. i want three kids max, because i feel like that's the right amount of kids to have. but if i'll get blessed with another one i'm not gonna complain, WKWK.

i will work from home if i could, because i still want to keep my eyes closely on my kids. i want to be a mother that they can talk to freely without judging or over-dictating them. i want them to think that i'm their best friend, because that's what my mom has been for me this whole time. 

i want my partner and i still look each other in our eyes and still be so deep in love and simping each other even by the time our whole head is filled with grey hair. it's going to be hard, but that's just what i wish for.

i want to leave this world knowing that i have accomplish my goals in life.

AAAAAAAAAH. i feel so nervous just by writing all that.

but one thing for sure, i'm excited. even though it scares me, i'm really, really excited.

 what if —

they're not the one i'm looking for?
what if —
all of this is useless, and instead finding for the real thing, i'm just wasting my time?
what if —
this is merely a mistake i shouldn't have made, and i'm going to ruin everything?

and so many other what ifs.
some called it irrational fears,
but for me it's very real; terrifying, and the whole time feels like i'm free falling in the sky, waiting to land whether on a soft, fluffy cushion land or on a deadly hard cement.

i shouldn't worry so much they say,
but it's kinda hard not to,
when i don't even know what exactly i am feeling at the moment. i'm not so sure about myself anymore.

this quarantine period sucks. like, real bad.
i get few minor anxiety attacks everyday, and at times it feels like i can't breath and it just hurts to get some air into my lungs. my body & mind needs to slow down yet i can't seem to do it.

i ended up getting sick easily, and when i get sick it takes weeks to recover, and few days after my recovery... bam. i get sick. again. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW IT HAPPENS. ok maybe i can blame my poor sleeping schedule & bad eating habits, but i'm like that everyday and it's never affected me before. my doctor & friends say maybe i'm mentally exhausted, and honestly at this point maybe that's the reason but i just can't accept it. i prefer to think that i'm mentally fine, i'm ok, but now... maybe i just gotta admit it. that my state is actually really bad.

and it's FUCKING TIRING to pretend that everything's ok in front of my family too. i just don't want them to overthink that something's happened to me but i also can't tell them what's up bcs i don't even know what is up with me. so i just gotta fake it everyday.

tl;dr, here's the summary: quarantine has gotten onto me, and i need to get some help before i turn real batshit crazy. <3

sebuah studi korelasi... ok i'll stop lmao

hi.
what's up.

kayaknya kalo sama gue, topiknya selalu balik kesini, ya? lmaooo. mencapai tingkat self-love yang gue pengenin adalah sebuah resolusi gue dari tahun 2016. 2016, cuy. it's freaking 2020— dan gue masih belum bisa nyampe sana. why, you ask?

when you're surrounded by such pretty, talented, amazing people, it's hard to believe in yourself; believe that i, too, have some good in me. to be honest with you, i have days that i despise looking at myself in the mirror, to the point that i feel nauseous just because i hate it that much. i'd be lying if i say that i never feel attractive, because sometimes i do think that, but i can count the times i thought positively about myself in one hand per month. eh.

jadi, apa hubungannya dengan relationship insecurities?

hemmmm.
i'm a jealousy person to begin with, karena ya itu, gue yang insekyur. dan ketika orang yang tersayang dikelilingi oleh perempuan cantik sebagai teman, sahabat, dan bahkan mantan uhuy acikiwir ahey— it bugs me out. I KNOW IT SHOULDN'T, i know that it shouldn't matter (i read so many self-help articles about this kkkk), but still, i can't help but compare myself to them, dan ya, pastinya gue kalah telak, for obvious reasons. dan gue tau hal ini sangatlah... apa ya... unnecessary? tapi tetep aja kebiasaan toksik ini tida bisa dihentikan. :(

then, i'd start to compare myself to EVERYONE in this planet, and i think smaller of myself each time. that's such a bad thing to do, but well. can't help but.

gue belum bisa mencintai diri sendiri. dan itu hal yang aneh, untuk seseorang yang mempunyai sangat banyak cinta untuk semua orang sekitar gue. tapi tenang, gue sedang belajar, sedikit demi sedikit, dan walau progressnya sangat tidak stabil, tapi semoga saja suatu hari nanti bisa nyampe goal. anjay goal teu main bal mereun ah :(

jadi apa hubungan self-love dengan relationship insecurities? LAH SAYA JUGA MASI GATAU. intinya, harusnya mencoba sayang diri sendiri dulu sebelum sayang orang lain. yagak yagak? tapi kagok ah da terlanjur. terlanjur cinta - rossa, enak banget gan lagunya dengerin dah.

i'm not your punching bag, i'm not your personal entertainer, i'm not someone you can run to if you want a splash of happiness without giving some back to me.

i'm a mess. a mess with a lot of feelings.

you can't expect me to be cheerful and spreading smiles everytime— i have my down moments too. and if you can't accept that, then i guess i'll have to let go.