no matter how much i deny it, i finally realize that what my friends are saying are right.

i keep putting on a strong face upfront and pretending to be okay when the truth is.. i'm not. i'm not okay.

i keep saying that i'm not sad; i'm not missing you, i don't wish things were different, i'm satisfied with this situation. my lips are saying the words but my heart is feeling otherwise. 

i miss you.

i love you.

 hello.

uhm. this is awkward.

here's the thing—you might notice that lately i've been annoying you with how much i tried to open a conversation up with you. now you might also be thinking; what does this bih want! why does she keep bothering me! how dare she!!! now first of all, i'm sorry. and secondly,

you're adorable. i don't know what has gotten into me but the way you laugh, the way you pop up some dry jokes here and there, the way you smile, it's very cute.

i'm just here to express my adoration to you, this is merely a little crush, no more, no less, because the more i talk to you the more you amuse me. and thank you for being a breath of fresh air in my dark, cloudy days. it's always fun interacting with you.

<3

p.s.: you made me tolerate a little turbulence in my life better. i'm saying that literally, and metaphorically. lmao.

 i've always knew this day would come and i've been preparing for a while now, but i realize i'll never be prepared enough to lose someone.

there's this hollow feeling 24/7, it doesn't stop when i eat, sleep, shower, it has no boundaries whatsoever. no matter how much i try to get rid of that someone from my mind they stay, even when i'm laughing, talking with my friends. there hasn't been even one second that i don't think about said person.

it's even harder at night. i keep spacing out, my brain playing a flashback montage of us,

us strolling around the city at night,

us hugging outside my friend's house,

us playing around by pushing each other,

just us being happy.

i keep finding myself click on the gallery app on my phone, scrolling down til' i find an album named after them, and staring at pics & vids contained like a fool. 

and just lay there, crying, clutching my chest, hoping it can somehow heal the heart-wrenching pain i'm feeling throughout the body.

heartbreaks have never been nice to me, but this one's the worst. because at any moment, anywhere, the stuffy feeling comes once in a while.

i want to be fine again.

 sometimes people forget that i am a human, that is very capable of feelings. real feelings.

it's like they knew—but somehow not really, as they just keep on doing everything they want to me. people seem to just consider me as a place to get help, entertainment or consolation and don't consider about what they're doing that might hurt me. people come and go and i willingly embrace them in, everytime. and i fucking hate that. it's time to stop.

i spent these few days crying myself to sleep, just because i feel so freaking unappreciated. i hope this will be the last time that i waste my time on some shit like this.