Yarra's Diary.: 2018

In life,

Manja

In life,

Whoa i rarely post entries nowadays don't i

Well hello pemirsah.
Kembali lagi bersama yarra yang sepertinya udah lupa kalo punya blog saking jarang ngepost-nya. hueueueue. Anyway, gue disini mau curhat aja sih. Gue kepo apakah ini normal atau tidak, but...

I literally have zero interest in romance thingy right now, lmao. Belum ada yang bisa bikin gue pengen get back in the game, dan gue merasa perfectly okay nggak punya gebetan atau semacamnya. Maybe that's why i might come off as a boring person to some of guys that tried to hit on me or get close. Gue sangat tidak enthusiastic dalam merespon apapun yang mereka katakan wkwkwk. Even (mantan) crush gue pun yang dulu gue head over heels sama dia walaupun gue ngobrol sama dia ya... almost nothing. Sedikit pit-a-pat karena wELL DULU PERNA NAKSIR but yeah, nothing else.

Kenapa ya?
Apakah karena the last relationship scarred me so much and so traumatizing that i'm afraid all boys are the same? Ntah. Yang jelas, gak tau sih ya kalo ada orang yang deketin gue dan dia terlihat seperti hubby material mungkin akan berubah, but i can see there's a fair chance that dalam jangka waktu panjang gue nggak akan masuk ke serious relationship.

Jujur, gue nyaman banget dengan posisi gini. Tenang, gak ada yang ganggu, gak ada yang bikin kesel, terus alhamdulillah gue juga jarang banget galau. Terakhir galau karena gak bisa nonton konser got7 yak. Walau di sisi lain, ada juga sih nggak enaknya. Gak ada yang bisa gue jadiin tempat cerita tentang kehidupan membosankan gue ini, dan kadang gue juga pengen sayang orang. Like pengen ngerasain kasmarannya lagi, udah lama banget gue gak ngerasain itu wkwk. Well sebenernya gabutuh cowok sih buat cerita gue udah punya pacar selama 14 tahun, Dhyaza. WKWKWK.

Gue sama saprot lagi berada on the same boat; kita muak sama laki-laki. Bukan, bukan berarti kita bakal belok dan tidak straight lagi (we're already gay for each other, so... lol jk)
Just... Our last relationships have been pretty shit, full of lies and other bad things, overall toxic and it's just exhausting if we choose to jump into a new one. Obviously kita juga pernah bahagia to the point sampe kita bucin parah (whic was a foolish move) but blah not worth it i guess.

And i'm saying all of this not to trash a certain person i just have to get it out my chest. I'm afraid i'm gonna have the same mistake and end up with the wrong person so, karena guenya juga lagi membenahi diri dan mencoba untuk membuat yarra sedikit lebih mature, i guess i'll take a rest from all of this.

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, by Yarra Fakhiratunnisa Aini

Where'd you go

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, by Yarra Fakhiratunnisa Aini

How i push people away from me

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, by Yarra Fakhiratunnisa Aini

In life,

Himpitku

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, by Yarra Fakhiratunnisa Aini

Aku, dan kealayanku

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, by Yarra Fakhiratunnisa Aini

In life,

Marriage

Annyeong yeorobun.
It's two freaking am and i can't sleep because my stupid ass drank a big glass of iced coffee this afternoon. Smooth move, Yar. And you're allergic too.

So...
Gue, yang lagi bosen karena gak bisa tidur, gue bangun dari posisi rebahan gue, dan ngaca. Di cermin gue liat bayangan gue sendiri, dengan piyama pink muda yang motifnya gajah warna pink tua, dengan wajah lempengnya.
Terus gue nyengir sok imut. Najis.
Terus gue mainin rambut gue, gue pura pura kuncir dua, gue majuin poni, gue kedepanin biar kayak sadako, segala macem. Setelah bosen, gue diem sambil liatin kaca.
Then reality slaps me.
Man, this girl will be someone's wife soon.

Like.
WHAT THE FUCK.
Bayangan yang ada di cermin itu masih sangat bocah dan anak-anak.

Mungkin pada mikir, baru ge kuliah semester satu, ngapain mikirin nikah?
But I've always wanted to marry someone while I'm still young. Gue dulu selalu punya goal untuk nikah sekitar umur 22 sampe 25.
Tahun ini gue 19.
Gue punya kurang lebih empat tahun lagi sampe umur ideal gue nikah.

WHATTTTT.

Sekali lagi, gue perhatiin diri gue baik-baik. Gue bener-bener masih kayak anak anak, yang masih bergantung sama orangtuanya, masih suka nangis cuma gara-gara nonton drama, masih gampang marah, masih banyak sifat childish yang gue punya.

Gue belum siap.

Gue tau, empat atau lima tahun lagi tuh masih lama. Dan mungkin gue berubah jadi sedikit lebih dewasa beberapa tahun ke depan.
Tapi gimana kalau ternyata tidak?
Gimana kalo ternyata gue masih kayak gini, masih bocah dongo yang mengisi gabutnya dengan joget joget gajelas?

Gue kasian sama calon suami gue. Yang temenan deket sama gue pasti tau, lah. Kapan sih gue bersikap dewasa? Hampir gapernah kan? Lololol.

Tapi, jujur, gue juga bakal menepuktangani calon suami gue. Selain bisa tahan dengan gue yang begini... dia juga dapet istri yang pasti bucin LMAO. Yang bakal head over heels buat dia.
Tapi jangan marah ya sayangku, kalo sarapan paginya tiap hari makan nasgor? Maklum, buat sarapan cuma bisa bikin itu doang. WKWKWK.

Gak ketang, lima taun ke depan gue bakal jago masak. Gue jamin.

With love,
Calon istri sholehah(amiin),

Yardongo. x

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, by Yarra Fakhiratunnisa Aini

In poetry,

hehe

I watch you across the table as you put your hand through your dark hair. You catch my eye; I hold it briefly as a friend would and quickly look away before I blush too much. I hope you didn’t notice that pinkish flush in my cheeks. I’ll blame it on the heating in this place. I sit here, listening to you talking about that girl you like. I hope that my poker face hides how I really feel – I pretend to listen with intent, I pretend that it doesn’t hurt me to hear what you’re saying.

I know she isn’t good enough for you. I’ve never met her or seen a photo of her, but if she can’t recognise your worth then I know she isn’t. Does she know how you like your coffee? Was she there for you that time at university, or the time after that and the time before that? Was she the one you were talking to until 6 AM after that big night out? Because I do and that was me, there for you through all those times.

You look at me when you ask me questions — I feel your warmth and I wonder if you feel the same. But of course you don’t, you’re just being nice. That’s what friends do. We talk about our friendship group and you wonder if we’ll be invited to our friends’ weddings. You say you hope that you’ll be invited to my wedding when I hope that your wedding is also mine.

I think about telling you how I really feel. It’s started to consume me and I want to know if I’ll ever have a chance with you. I wanted to tell you two years ago, and I missed my chance. The moment wasn’t right. Will it ever be? I wonder if I’ll ever let you know how I really feel, or whether I’ll even tell any of our friends. But I’m scared of the answer, scared to feel embarrassed when our mutual friends confirm what I already know – that you don’t like me like that and that you never would. I’m scared that it’ll ruin our friendship and nothing could possibly be worse than that. I hope my head remembers that next time my heart pushes me to tell you.

I convince myself that I don’t like you, reminding myself of all the things that annoy me about you and all the reasons why it isn’t a good idea. I convince myself… almost. At least until I think, “What if…?”