the thing that i've realized since the first time meeting you is that i can never get enough of you. 

i can't get enough of your time, your touches, your smile, your laugh, your dry ass jokes. from the beginning. even though i thought it was just some kind of casual thing, the feeling didn't go away, i still feel it until now,

you are truly my person.

that's what i felt the entire time i spent with you. you're intoxicating, just like that, i seemed to never be able to let you go in every end of our journeys.

so when it's time to finally really let you go, i still have a hard time to do it.

i became too dependent of you, even though i always say that i'll be able to live my life without you. such bullshit thing to say, when i'm here choking on my tears and feeling heartbroken every second you're not here with me.

and i hate that.

i don't even remember how my life was like before you. you became such a huge part of my life and when you're gone, it's like you're taking a part of me and i can't function properly.

i still miss you,

and i still love you.

no matter how much i deny it, i finally realize that what my friends are saying are right.

i keep putting on a strong face upfront and pretending to be okay when the truth is.. i'm not. i'm not okay.

i keep saying that i'm not sad; i'm not missing you, i don't wish things were different, i'm satisfied with this situation. my lips are saying the words but my heart is feeling otherwise. 

i miss you.

i love you.

 hello.

uhm. this is awkward.

here's the thing—you might notice that lately i've been annoying you with how much i tried to open a conversation up with you. now you might also be thinking; what does this bih want! why does she keep bothering me! how dare she!!! now first of all, i'm sorry. and secondly,

you're adorable. i don't know what has gotten into me but the way you laugh, the way you pop up some dry jokes here and there, the way you smile, it's very cute.

i'm just here to express my adoration to you, this is merely a little crush, no more, no less, because the more i talk to you the more you amuse me. and thank you for being a breath of fresh air in my dark, cloudy days. it's always fun interacting with you.

<3

p.s.: you made me tolerate a little turbulence in my life better. i'm saying that literally, and metaphorically. lmao.

 i've always knew this day would come and i've been preparing for a while now, but i realize i'll never be prepared enough to lose someone.

there's this hollow feeling 24/7, it doesn't stop when i eat, sleep, shower, it has no boundaries whatsoever. no matter how much i try to get rid of that someone from my mind they stay, even when i'm laughing, talking with my friends. there hasn't been even one second that i don't think about said person.

it's even harder at night. i keep spacing out, my brain playing a flashback montage of us,

us strolling around the city at night,

us hugging outside my friend's house,

us playing around by pushing each other,

just us being happy.

i keep finding myself click on the gallery app on my phone, scrolling down til' i find an album named after them, and staring at pics & vids contained like a fool. 

and just lay there, crying, clutching my chest, hoping it can somehow heal the heart-wrenching pain i'm feeling throughout the body.

heartbreaks have never been nice to me, but this one's the worst. because at any moment, anywhere, the stuffy feeling comes once in a while.

i want to be fine again.

 sometimes people forget that i am a human, that is very capable of feelings. real feelings.

it's like they knew—but somehow not really, as they just keep on doing everything they want to me. people seem to just consider me as a place to get help, entertainment or consolation and don't consider about what they're doing that might hurt me. people come and go and i willingly embrace them in, everytime. and i fucking hate that. it's time to stop.

i spent these few days crying myself to sleep, just because i feel so freaking unappreciated. i hope this will be the last time that i waste my time on some shit like this.

 in the end it's not gonna happen anyway. why bother?

 i've always been this full-on energetic, enthusiastic, slightly erratic, cheerful person. i'm so expressive and i express my emotions non-verbally most of the times. my mood, how i'm feeling, can easily be seen based on how i act. and it's been like that my whole life, i tend to find friends and dates that are very similar too. and that's what i love about them, they're always so excited about everything and you know i find life easy that wayyyy.

but nowadays idk.. my vibe is always off, my mood is constantly being torn apart. people around me don't reciprocate the same energy i give them, and it's just tiring... i hate it the most when i feel under-appreciated, when someone is not as enthusiastic, as expressive, as excited as i am about them. and the people that are making me feeling this way, are also making me reconsider some of the choices i made in the past. should i not expect too much? should i not be with them from the start? and it's been keeping me awake at night unsure what to do for these past months. because they keep bringing me down. i realize that slowly, i'm holding back myself from being my usual self. and i fucking HATE that. i know it's not their fault, it's just how they were programmed. but still, you get me, right? (who tf am i talking to here wkwkwkw)

anyway.

life sucks. i'm not sure about anything anymore, when i used to say that some things are a sure thing. those sure thing(s), are making me doubting when i shouldn't be worrying about things like this bcs there are sooo many things that are far more important than this. but yeah, let's hope i'll straighten it out after.

 maybe some of my same-age peers would feel the same, but currently i'm kinda in a weird phase right now. where i have no freaking clue about what i want, what my plan is, etc.

everyday is a cycle that's just sooo boring and repetitive, and the only thing that makes me happy is hugging my mom and hearing her stories. never expected my life would become this painfully no-jam thing that drains my energy.

i think i'm... growing up.

i'm starting to outgrow things, places and people that i've loved so dearly and held on so tight in the past. it's becoming easy for me to just let go? that feels weird because i'm used to trying to hold onto all of my loved ones & things. i became more accepting about the fact that everything's changing around me, and even though it sucks, i'm accepting. i also started to give less fucks about anything at all and it's.. scary. because i used to really care. but now i'm just tired, and exhausted, and all i want is a hug and 14 years worth of sleep.